You do not get to control the outcome of conflict. Not in divorce, not in co-parenting, not in any relationship where another person has a stake in what happens. Your ex-partner gets a vote. Your co-parent gets a vote. And your children, whose stakes are the highest of anyone's, get a vote too.

Most people approach difficult conversations as a skill problem. If they could just say the right thing, stay calm enough, explain themselves clearly enough, things would go better. What they do not realize is that before communication can be effective in conflict, something has to happen in the brain and body first.